SAO: F*#k You Akihiko Kayaba Part 1


         In 2022 (kind of running out of time for this to happen in real life) a new gaming device was developed, the NerveGear. It is a full dive virtual reality device that directly stimulates the wearer's brain to experience "being inside" a game. Needless to say the applications were wondrous but for some reason were currently limited to gaming (you could use it as a weapon, sex simulator or for researching the human brain but why not use it for games first?).

         My name is Eric Smith; I’m a 17 year old American currently residing in Japan. My parents moved us here 6 months ago for business. Adjusting was a little tough but I’m getting used to it. I've always been big into gaming so I eagerly waited hours in line to get my preorder of the NerveGear. There was some scruffy-looking guy with a bandana and his loser friends in front of me that made the experience unpleasant but I got it, so it was worth it. The platform only had 10,000 initial releases for the first game, an MMO called Sword Art Online (SAO for short).  It looked fun and I couldn't wait to play it.

         Once the day came for the start of SAO I immediately dived in and created an ideal character. I'm not very attractive so I made my avatar tall, muscular and handsome, just for fun. Once the game launched I was overwhelmed by the amazing detail of the word of Aincrad. I could feel individual blades of grass, see clouds float thought the sky, a black-haired guy ran by like he knew what he was doing and a creepy guy was trying to pick up a young girl..... Just like real life (sigh). For the next several hours I tried out all the games features, I fought boars (got my ass kicked), threw dirt off the side of Aincrad (it blew away) and bought slightly better gear from the NPC’s (who still had the personalities of bricks, some revolutionary technology).

         As evening approached I figured I should logout to eat, so I brought up the menu and looked for the logout button....... After five minutes I realized I wasn't overlooking it, the damn thing was gone.  I fought back many emotions like rage (WTF happened to it!), fear (what's happening?), despair (I have to get out!) and relief (hey, my real life was kind of boring).  Finally when I felt like I was going to have a breakdown I suddenly found myself teleported to the town square with apparently all the other players. I saw numerous other people, many in a similar state to me. Among them was that black-haired man I saw earlier, some guy with a bandana and that creepy guy and the girl he was hitting on. As I was about to ask someone if they knew what was happening, a red cloak figure appeared above us.  The figure identified himself as Akihiko Kayaba, the creator of SAO.  He informed us that he had purposely removed the logout button and was trapping all of us in the game.  If we died in the game, we died in real life.  Apparently the NervGear was equipped with a microwave emitter that could fry our brains (What!  No one noticed that?!) and kill us if anyone tried to remove it.  Kayaba went on to inform us the only way for us to return to the real world was to beat all 100 floors of the game (that’s not how MMO’s work, you realize that right?).  Additionally he had us look at a mirror in our inventory, which forcibly changed us to resemble our real selves (come on man…). Then he vanished leaving us to sort out the traumatic events.

         Some people fell to their knees in despair, others bawled “No,” many argued amongst themselves.  I suddenly found myself raising my fist and screaming “F*#K YOU Akihiko Kayaba!”  Some people near me gave me weird looks but given the situation I think it was appropriate.  A black-haired kid (looks kind of like that other guy I saw) quickly shuffled off with a scruffy-looking guy with a bandana (he looks familiar).  As I struggled to wrap my mind around the current situation I couldn’t help but notice that the number of female players had dropped dramatically (freaking pervs….).  After a few minutes, I realized the only way out of this situation was to beat the game (or hope someone could get me out but if they didn’t notice the freaking microwave emitter on the NervGear I doubt they would be much help).  As I stood up and prepared to march out on my new quest for survival I raised my fist in the air and shouted my new battle cry, “F*#K YOU Akihiko Kayaba!”


1 comment
  • Nidhoggr
    Nidhoggr A parody of Sword Art Online.
    January 11, 2018